Growing up, unlike many children with aspirations to be a nurse/ teacher or similar the only thing I ever wanted to be was a wife and mother, although whether that was down to a lack of imagination or an actual calling is debatable! Maybe because looking back I don't remember knowing any 'career women' the only women I knew were Mum's, some with jobs, some who stayed at home but with their main focus on the children.
I've had many jobs in my life, mostly ones I hated and I could never come up with anything I actually really wanted to do, always feeling like I was just killing time and doing something because I HAD to. I was 31 years old when I had Leo which is the same age my Mum was when she had me. I had always wanted to be a younger Mum but I'm now glad I wasn't as looking back I really value the years I had which were firstly all mine, and then mine and Aaron's.
I grew up as an only child and from a very early age was determined I would have two children, when Aaron and I got married he wanted three and I smiled and nodded but thought to myself 'well lets have two and then see what happens' figuring that I wasn't really convinced about having three but as long as I had two we'd worry about that later!
(He is one of three and therefore thought it was a good number - he's since changed his mind!)
Not long after Leo was born, I was sorting through maternity clothes to give to my friend and mad e a comment about keeping some bits in case I needed them again. Aaron said he was quite happy with one and not sure he wanted another. I was stunned and slightly panicked - although it was far too early to be thinking about, as I hadn't even recovered from the shock of having one, I was alarmed to think that was it.
In the end we did get rid of all the baby stuff as we were shipping our things to Cyprus at this time and had very limited storage in the apartment anyway so I just got on with it. After living here a year or so, although I often thought it would be nice to have another child, I came to the conclusion that I just couldn't do it all again - I loved Leo to bits but could not face the difficult bits all over again. I also realised it was not a sensible choice to make, we didn't have the money or the space.
Sometimes I would be sad that I wouldn't get to do the pregnancy thing again, or the newborn stage but mainly I was sad that Leo wouldn't get to have a sibling, by this stage Aaron was not against having another in theory but sensibly realised we couldn't choose to do so due to our situation - that made me even sadder as it seemed that we wanted one but couldn't due to our previous choices (not having saved money in the past, moving abroad etc)
But, it seemed that fate was going to step in anyway when we found out I was pregnant at the end of last year,still living in our small 2 bedroom apartment, having just sold the rest of Leo's baby stuff and neither of us having work, so actually in a worse situation than when we decided a second child was a bad idea!
It's funny how I've stopped thinking about how much I thought I wouldn't be able to do it - how I've conveniently forgotten the bad bits, I guess that's a survival technique to stop me panicking about the imminent arrival! Despite the non-ideal timing I'm so glad it happened as I very much doubt we would have ever felt like we could plan to have another and now very soon we will be a family of four..... its going to be very strange talking about the 'kids' - 'the boys'. It's an alien concept to me to have more than three people in the family so it will be very interesting!
This post was written last week and scheduled so I'm guessing we are already now a family of four!